High above on a plateau of mud we danced

Most sober people won’t have had the pleasure of ever having wrestled naked on a plateau of mud I imagine. I wish I could say the same, yet I have on occasion had one two many, drinks that is. Thus wrestling on a plateau comes naturally. Consider it part of a mans right of passage into the world. If I ever complete my man training I will inform you all. Until then I still am a learner drinker and long may that stand, or not as the case maybe and my mud wrestling days are behind me, I think.

Mud wrestling has never been a past-time to which I could consider myself drawn, or even remotely interested in, yet somehow via my good friend Alan, we’ll call him Alan – for that is his name, the concept of doing battle on plateau’s of mud was mooted. We were of course sober at the time and discussing the relative merits of the free jazz movement over that of the Balearic beat, one night years back after a long day at the coalface.

Having never spent time in a smokey jazz den, nor had time on the Balearic isles I must admit I was possibly out of my depth. Not that that has ever stopped me in the past. Well anyway, Alan mooted the concept of the plateau of mud being the perfect amphitheatre for the various musicians and other significant figures we held dear to do battle, to see what genre/band/style was truly superior to the other. I think we must have been discussing William Gibson around the same time.

As any good professional gent will tell ya a Plateau of Mud is a neutral ground without rules, where warring music factions and the like could, well just do battle. Preferably to the death - always with beer.

To a completely sober person, this may sound like the inane and delusional ramblings of habitual and possibly beyond help drunks, if that’s your mindset, thanks for stopping by, now buy me a drink or take your place on the plateau and we’ll sort this out like men.

If however this concept seems appealing, even vaguely, you sound like you need to have another cold one and watch the fight as it unfolds.

For the safety and security of, um, Alan, (well it is his name) I won’t go into the specifics of the battles that may or may not have taken place – cripes I may not even remember any of the actual battles that took place, as sometimes its all about the setting not the story. As many a good road movie would attest. I must point out the fighting naked is a addition to the concept, just seems more well, open. And we all want a more open world now don’t we? One can also fight fully clothed and usually that is the audiences preference.

For the sake of this blog - can I say column? Blog really doesn’t flow off the tongue as one would like? Yeah, column…. Mental note to self, from now on pretend you write a column, that’ll impress em at the Thirsty Dog (local watering hole). If you got a problem with me pretending to write a column, take it up with Alan – alright. He awaits you on the plateau.

Well for the sake of the column, (see how easily I fit that in), I shall awaken the memories of old and try and piece together some of the combatants who may or may not have been envisaged doing battle. I’m sure we would have had Lou Barlow fight it out with Stephen Malkmus, I’m sure I nominated the Dead C to fight against all comers on more than one occasion and there were the many bouts of the dance vs rock camps. At the time I do believe more often than not the rock types won… even though the jungleists were always a intimidating force. I allowed this for one simple reason; they lose the battle I get run of the office stereo during, um, drinks. Yes drinks!

Actually after scratching my head for some minutes, perhaps it would be better to find new combatants to do battle, update and modernise things. So heres a few random combatants to think about and maybe discuss over a Friday end of day drink with your workmates:

• Well obviously many would love to see George W Bush go up against his arch nemesis Osama Bin Laden, now that would be a close fight. I think they’d both cheat, no small feat in itself considering the lack of rules.
• Donald Rumsfeld would of course fight to the death with the English dictionary, I fear language will lose this one and the world would become a darker place.
• Winston Peters could fight ol Testicle Boy, Winny’s a shoe in if ya want to take a punt.
• Helen Clark against Don brash would be a non event – he doesn’t fight ladies… pffffffffffffft, harden up man and take a swig of this.
• I’d be quite amused by the new Pope going up against the Queen – finally sorting that breaking away from Rome stuff, Liz I reckon would take him. Though I fear the Catholic Church if threatened in this manner may resort to witchcraft – I’ve never felt they were really infallible.
• I’d be mightily amused to see our local hip hop heroes go up against Brooklyn’s finest. The American accent would win either way.
• SAC (Sociologist Action Committee) against Accountants is a given.
• Lion Red drinkers vs. Chardonnay drinkers, could be closer than one would imagine
• The Commander vs. a packet of Cheesels
• Dr Phil vs. Oprah, probably a draw and a damn dull fight at that. However the sponsorship offers would be amazing, if crap makeup and over priced jumpers are ya thing. We’ll be needing sponsors, mud ain’t cheap and the TV rights are still up in the air, so we need cash flow now.
• Bill Gates against Steve Jobs, Jobs would I reckon end up crying like a little baby.
• If Jobs wins, then he can take on the Major Record label Exec’s, the winner gets to set the price of downloads from I-Tunes and maybe lower the hardware price for I-Pods…. Steve Jobs greedy fucker at music’s expense – no surely not. Oh this is a whole new topic in itself so I shall stop cause them exec’s are guilty too.
• Paul Henry vs. Kay Gregory (those that witness this NZ TV treat will understand)
• Paul Henry vs. Peter Williams (those that witness this NZ TV treat will understand)
• Michael vs. Belinda (two of my siblings) – now this could be a close one
• Hurricane Katrina vs. Hurricane Rita…. A windy contest, prunes shall not be involved.
• Kate Moss vs. Ian Blair to make it topical, also good for losing sponsors
• Reality TV vs. Reality, without the makeup reality will win hands down. Take that Julie Christie and others of your ilk.

I could go on, but I think you’ve enough material for at least one night of drinking and betting. Any suggestions for battles just leave a note on the door.

Believe it or not I actually consider myself a pacifist, obviously one who is prone to hypocrisy.













Please note: Daktari's World does not condone the crass and cheap mud wrestling often favoured by bars in which semi naked woman trash around for gentlemens pleasure. The Plateau of Mud battles are a thing of honour, not exploitation. having said that its jug, tits and paddling pool night at the Po', see ya at the bar - you'll recognise me by my soiled suit.

Friday morning here, a weekend of storm watching and silliness ahead. Be gentle Rita, please.

Tin foil hat, not half